What Really Happened To John Henning Speke.

This is a copy of the diary of Major Reginald “Reg” Mucker-Mafic, Royal Geographic Society found by my grandfather Isadore in 1916:

“17 September, 1864: Burton, Speke are GREAT LIARS! The day after the scheduled debate at the British Society, I went to the cellar to find a bottle of amontillado, and to my surprise found Sidi Mubarak Bombay sprawled on the floor, semi incoherent, a bottle of gin at his side. I went to help him get up, but he grabbed me by the collar, and begged me to listen to his besotted confession. He claimed that on their first voyage, Burton and Speke had attempted to enter the region west of Victoria Nyanza, where they had observed strange lights in the evening sky. This is his story:

'The porters and I warned them not to pursue that plan, but they insisted. They sent out two scouting parties that never returned, and so they decided to scout the area themselves. After days of preparation, on the scheduled day of departure, Burton, unsettled by the rumors he heard from the porters about a great and powerful kingdom that permitted no outsiders to enter, claimed illness and fell into his cot with a fever. Mad Speke on the other hand, buoyed by the rumors and strange unnatural phenomena we had observed on our approach decided to press on. I left a couple of men behind to tend Burton in his illness, and set off with Speke at a bruising pace. We travelled through a sun blasted country, devoid of flora and fauna, like nothing man had ever seen. The strange lights increased in frequency until they could be seen at all hours of the day. Speke’s madness seemed to increased every mile, so that on the third day, he was no longer muttering under his breath, but cursing the sky on each step in agonized screams. He started to drop and destroy his equipment, and it was all I could do to get the porters to gather the pieces and carry the extra load. Finally, as the sun set on that third day, a strange vibration could be felt on the ground. The vibration was strong enough to make the pebbles on the ground dance weirdly. It was impossible to rest. Taking matters in my own hands, I struck the now almost insensate Speke on the crown with my rifle butt. I had the porters drop the measuring equipment, pick up Speke in a carefully made up litter, and we reversed our course back to Burton’s camp before we met our doom in the inhospitable hinterlands. We never circled Victoria Nyanza on the western shore. It was impossible. When Speke and Grant tried the same, the result was not different. This is a great deception of which I am terribly ashamed and I will speak to no one else about.'

I am committing this confession to my diary. Obviously, the influence on Speke’s mind of the unnatural phenomena of the region and the strain of having to live a lie proved too much, and goes far in explaining Speke’s “hunting accident.” Of Burton, we know he was never trusted again, or commissioned with any position of value or responsibility for the rest of his life.”

Major Mucker-Mafic mysteriously disappeared one month after this diary entry was made. Only fragments of his diary have ever been found, scattered among the belongings of contemporary members of the British Society Of The Advancement Of Science.

Family Lore: Gen. Nelson Miles

General Nelson Miles' military career began during the Civil War at age 22 when he volunteered with the 22nd regiment of the Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry. He survived the war and went on to serve during the Indian Wars and the Spanish American War.
During the Indian Wars he was promoted to Major General. Though he was not directly involved,  the 7th Cavalry, which was part of his command, committed the massacre at Wounded Knee. He was critical of the commander of the regiment and demoted him. After Nelson retired from the Army, he fought for compensation for the survivors of the massacre.
My family's encounter with Miles occurred during the Spanish American War. After the surrender of Spanish troops in Cuba, he personally commanded the troops that invaded Puerto Rico at Guanica. According to family lore, my great grandfather, Antonio Fillat Bastida, was a retired Spanish soldier, working as the superintendent of a sugar mill in Ponce, and was not well liked by his wife nor his workers. During the invasion, persons sympathetic to my great grandmother, Manuela Sandoval, warned her that Puerto Rican anti Spanish partisans known as "Los Tiznados" - "the Blackfaces", so called because they darkened their faces with charcoal, were going to attack Antonio before dawn. She let him know, and my great grandparents left after dark and sought and obtained refuge with Nelson's command. A year later, my grandmother was born, so, if lore is true, my existence is due to General Nelson Miles' protection of my great grandparents.
At age 77 Gen. Nelson Miles offered to come out of retirement and serve during World War I.
In 1925, my great grandfather ostensibly left for Spain to go to the funeral of a beloved uncle, and was never heard of again.

This Was My Ride

This was my ride from 1981 until 1984. She's the USS Clifton Sprague (FFG-16) and she's pictured transiting the Kennebec River. I'm a Plankowner, a member of the crew that commissioned her in Bath, Maine. Her homeport was Mayport, Florida during the time I served aboard her. In those three years we visited Halifax, Newport, Yorktown, Port Everglades,  Freeport, Guantanamo, Roosevelt Roads, Fort-de-France, St. Vincent, Panama, Honduras, Gaeta, Livorno, La Spezia, Piraeus, Bahrain and Karachi. We stopped to refuel in Bermuda, the Azores, Rota and Djibouti. We transited the Straits of Gibraltar, Messina, Mandab and Hormuz. We crossed the Panama Canal and the Suez Canal. We supported operations in Lebanon after the bombing of the US Embassy. We were stationed in the Persian Gulf during the Iran-Iraq war. We supported operations during Urgent Fury, the invasion of Grenada. We were stationed in the Gulf of Fonseca monitoring weapon shipments between the Sandinista government of Nicaragua and rebels in El Salvador. We supported the US Coast Guard's efforts intercepting drug smugglers off the Southeast coast of the US. We raided Soviet anchorages off the coast of Libya. We helped repair orphanages in Tela, Honduras. Our breakaway song was "On The Road Again" by Willie Nelson, our talisman was Ziggy and our motto was "Nunc Paratus." 

Urgent Delivery

Two US Air Force C-130s flew in a loose echelon formation, low over the windswept ocean. It was close to twilight on October 23, 1983. The aircraft were late to their rendezvous with the USS Clifton Sprague (FFG-16) in the southern Caribbean. The ship had turned into the wind, and the C-130s flew along its length at an altitude of about five-hundred feet. A second or two after the trailing aircraft cleared the ship’s bow, a twenty-three foot long Boston Whaler was air-dropped into the ocean. A team of SEALS followed the boat almost immediately. The same was repeated by the lead C-130, but the drop started about twenty seconds later. By that time the aircraft was well ahead of the ship, about a half a mile away. In the quickly encroaching darkness this would prove to be critical. Some of the commandos were recovered from the windswept sea by the Sprague's crew on its motor whale boat. Others swam to boarding nets draped over the port bow of the ship, and climbed twenty feet to the ship's deck, struggling with their heavy loads and helped aboard by the ship's crew. The SEALS from the trail aircraft were all recovered and the motor whale boat headed as fast as it could to the location where the men and the boat from the lead plane had hit the water. By the time it got there, darkness had fallen. The Sprague also approached the location, barely making headway, using its searchlights to assist in the search. Expecting to jump in daylight, the SEALS only had a couple of chem-lights each to illuminate them. As the evening went on, the wind picked up and the seas got worse. At around midnight, the CO of the commandos advised the captain of the Sprague that they needed to leave the area and head towards Grenada so that the SEALS could complete their mission. The Sprague's captain protested, but was overruled by higher authority after a radio call to the Task Force command. The Sprague turned towards Grenada, and headed there at best speed, with one of the SEALS' Boston Whalers tide alongside it. The second Boston Whaler was found the next day, overturned, by the Sprague and an S-3 Viking aircraft searching for it and four men from the lead plane that had gone missing during the jump. The four men were never found. It wasn't until 10 years later that I found out the men's names: Machinist Mate 1st Class Kenneth J. Butcher, Quartermaster 1st Class Kevin E. Lundberg, Hull Technician 1st Class Stephen L. Morris, and Senior Chief Petty Officer Robert R. Schamberger.

Badass Tales: Origins

Very little is know about Ensign Edmund Tweed's, Master Chief Petty Officer Billy "Goat" Bones' and Seaman "Simple" Sailor's life prior to their enlistment in the U.S. Navy.

It was rumored that Ensign Tweed ran away from home as an 8 year old 

child and joined the circus.

Photo believed to be of Ensign Edmund Tweed while on duty as Oficer of the Deck in Tela, Honduras 

The scuttlebutt about Master Chief Bones was that he was found abandoned as a baby in an rest stop by a passing "band of gypsies" going "down the highway." Many believe that for this reason the Commanding Officer of the USS Billy Badass, Captain Humphrey Caine, deferred to Master Chief Bones and allowed him to pick the ship's "breakaway" song, "On the Road Again." Well, that, and his towering bulk.

Seaman Sailor declined to talk about his life prior to enlistment, but I have been able to piece together the following story: his parents told him he was hatched from an egg and, despondent, he subsequently dropped out of high school, went to work at a local hatchery, and joined the Navy as soon as he turned 18. 

The boys met in basic training, after they were mustered into Recruit Training Company 7809 at the U.S. Naval Recruit Training Center in Orlando, Florida. From that moment on they became inseparable "sea buddies" although they would meet different levels of success, as far as rank was concerned, in their respective naval careers. Company 7809 was commanded by Senior Chief Petty Officer Marlon Hooerhaus and Senior Chief Petty Officer Gilly Gulledge. The high-spirited boys love of hi-jinks and shenanigans is amply demonstrated by an apocryphal tale that took place during their time at RTC. 

The only time the recruits were allowed to walk was after meals. At any other time, they had to double-time it or run to their destination. One morning, walking back from the mess hall to their barracks after breakfast, then Seaman Recruit Tweed was about ten steps ahead of Seaman Recruits Sailor and Bones. Chief Buster, the CO of their sister training company was walking in the opposite direction. Tweed was skylarking and failed to notice the approaching Chief and neglected to salute him. Chief Buster wheeled about and yelled at Tweed: "RECRUIT, WHO IS YOUR COMPANY COMMANDER?" Tweed screeched to a halt, pivoted to face the angry Chief, and said: "Wha...?" Sailor swears that Chief Buster's jaw actually dropped to the ground and steam shot out of his ears. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?" screamed Chief Buster. "Senior Chief Whorehouse, Sir!" quickly replied Tweed. "CHIEF WHOREHOUSE?" he asked, incredulous and with eyes bulging, "DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY, RECRUIT!" Sailor and Bones had pulled up short behind Chief Buster, and could not stop themselves from snickering. Chief Buster turned on them and yelled: "YOU BOYS THINK THIS IS SOME KIND OF JOKE? DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY! WHEN YOU'RE DONE, I WANT TO SEE YOUR WORTHLESS RECRUIT ASSES DOUBLE-TIMING IT TO YOUR BARRACKS, AND PUT YOUR WORTHLESS SELVES ON REPORT!" He caught his breath and continued: "YOU WORMS ARE GOING GET YOUR ASSES RECYCLED AND YOU ARE GOING TO BE DOING PT UNTIL THE NEXT TRAINING CYCLE STARTS! NOW GET OUTTA MY SIGHT!" 

Luckily, Company 7809 was both Senior Chiefs last training company before retirement, so they went easy on the boys, and did not recycle them. The boys got away with a week's worth of extra PT in the morning and extra drilling in the afternoon, and a couple of weekends raking the obstacle course during scheduled "Coke and Smoke" time, which wasn't a bad deal, 'cause they got to spend the time working outdoors, flirting with the female recruits using the "O" course during that time.

After Recruit Training, the boys went to their respective "A" schools, where they were trained in different specialties. Then they were assigned to the pre-commissioning crew for the USS Billy Badass where they were reunited, and they continued their friendship, previously forged in the fires of Recruit Training Company 7809, under the tutelage of Senior Chiefs Hooerhaus and Gulledge.

Photo believed to be of Seaman "Simple" Sailor (L) and Master Chief Petty Officer Billy "Goat" Bones up aloft on the mast of the USS Billy Badass.

Photo believed to be of Seaman "Simple" Sailor after being rescued in the Florida Straighrs by Cuban fisherman Usmail de las Gracias.

Badass Tales: Ego A Me Ipso Mihi Rem

The USS Billy Badass* was a highly modified and experimental one-off variant of the USS Oliver Hazard Perry (FFG-7) Class. It's official hull number was FFG(X)-1999, but its hull was painted with the number 13, which officially belonged to the USS Samuel Elliot Morrison** (FFG-13). In outward appearance, the USS Billy Badass appears as a standard, short hull, FFG-7 class ship. It was  445 feet in length overall, it's beam was 45 feet and it displaced 4200 tons at full load. Standard versions of the FFG-7 class had steel hulls and aluminium topsides, but the Badass was all steel. Although designated as a Guided Missile Frigate, the Badass carried no missiles. Also, it had a helicopter deck and twin helo hangars, but carried no helicopters. Weight savings were obtained from these omissions permitting the use of steel in the ship's topsides.

In lieu of a missile system, guns and chaff countermeasures, the Baddass carried the highly secret and experimental MK1999(X) High Energy Liquid Laser Fire Control System, otherwise known as HELLFire. HELLFire was composed of two liquid laser guns disguised as as a MK13 missile launcher and an OTO Melara 76MM cannon, a search and track and fire control radar and countermeasures system, that looked like an inverted disco ball, known as the Disco Ball.

The Ship's systems including navigation, fire control, communications and propulsion systems were all controlled by the highly secret and experimental UYK-1999(X) computer system, known by the crew as YUK. YUK was the U.S. Navy's first attempt at an intelligent system, a system that would take away much of the tedium of detection, decision making, control and execution from the crew. It was designed to be "sailor proof"***. Soon after commissioning, YUK acquired a "pugnacious personality" to match the ship's name, and the USS Billy Badass was known to make its way to whatever was the most current maritime hotspot. The ship's motto was "Ego A Me Ipso Mihi Rem", loosely translated as "I'm Making It My Business."

Propulsion and electrical power were provided by two Dynamic Electric ML-1999(X) Gas Turbines, capable of producing 31 Gigawatts of power, at the time the most powerful gas turbines produced. The turbines were designed by Dr. Emmett Brown at the Dynamic Electric BTTF Labs in Santa Clarita, California. The ship had a cruising range of 9,000 nautical miles at 30 knots and could attain speeds of 50 knots in battle override mode.

The ship carried a crew of 165, mostly engaged in cleaning, painting, security and ceremonial duties since YUK controlled most of all the other functions.

The USS Billy Badass disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 2000 during Hurricane Issac. All hands were lost except for Seaman "Simple" Sailor, who was miraculously rescued by a Cuban fisherman in the Florida Straights, and now lives in seclusion at an undisclosed location. Sailor has agreed to be interviewed by me for this series of articles about the USS Billy Badass.

*The USS Billy Badass' name was chosen by Captain John Bodine, the CO of the Nautical Systems Command Division of Ship Naming (Section 8), also know as NAUSEA OH-EIGHT. The CO was a graduate of the creative writing program at the USNA, specializing in postmodern literature. Mysteriously, he also disappeared at about the same time as the Badass.

**Samuel Elliot Morrison is not to be confused with, nor is related to Rear Admiral George Stephen Morrison, who was the commander of U.S. naval forces in the Gulf of Tonkin during the Gulf of Tonkin incident and the father of The Doors singer Jim Morisson.

***Regretably it was not designed to be chimpanzee proof, as can be evidenced in the events I related under my previous entry "Badass Tales: Sailor Proof".

Last known photo of the USS Billy Badass transiting the Florida Straights ahead of Hurricane Isaac.

(This story is solely the product of the author's mind. Do not confuse this fiction with fact or lore.)

Badass Tales: Deriving Pie

Then Petty Officer "Simple" Sailor before being busted down two pay grades for a late night unauthorized appropriation of cherry pie from the wardroom pantry of the USS Billy Badass. Sailor contends that the only reason he got written up and busted at captain's mast was that he didn't share enough pie with Ensign Tweed and Master Chief Bones. He says he stepped forward because Captain Humphrey Caine was threatening to "tear the ship apart" and use "geometrical logic" to find out "who stole the cherry pie." He claims that evidence was suppressed during the hearing. The injustice! Oh well. A couple or six beers during the next port call after completing 90 days restriction and extra duty and all was forgiven.

Correction: In a previous version of this story I wrote that the cherry pie was appropriated from the ship's galley. The pie was actually appropriated from the wardroom pantry. Enlisted men did not get cherry pie, cherries being the preserve of officer country. The ship's cooks did make fresh donuts on occasion for the enlisted men. I have been told they were quite tasty, went well with Petty Officer "Chuck' Jones cowboy coffee, and were quite invigorating during midwatches.

Seaman Sailor was asked about his guilty smile. His reply was: "I was born with that guilty smile." He also said: "My [ship's] unstated policy was to beg, borrow or steal whatever you needed to complete your mission. I can neither confirm nor deny that I was executing my [ship's] unstated policy." He then said: "That pie was screaming to be liberated from the wardroom pantry."

Seaman Sailor was asked about the availability of vanilla ice cream on the Badass. He has told me that the USS Billy Badass had a soft serve ice cream machine. It was operational during all meals, breakfast, dinner, supper and mid-rats. It was even operational during General Quarters.

Seaman Sailor was asked about the Command getting "their tightly whiteys in a knot over a little pie" and "how inconsequential" this was "in the grand scheme of things." His reply:  "At sea, on the USS Billy Badass, under the command of Captain Humphrey Caine, little things were treated with great importance, important things were treated as inessential. Attention to detail and all that.Then again, cherry pie!"

In summary, Simple sez: "this cherry pie was some pie. Unreal. Worth getting busted over. Might even have been worth going to war over it" and "the cherries were not from this world."

(This story is entirely the product of the author's mind, with bits and pieces begged, borrowed and derived from the excellent film, "The Caine Mutiny.")