Badass Tales: Djibouti, Djibouti

The USS Billy Badass pulled into Djibouti, Djibouti and gave the crew maximum liberty. Ensign Edmund Tweed, Master Chief Petty Officer Billy "Goat" Bones and Seaman "Simple" Sailor met a French Legionnaire at the local hole, Le Perroquet Bleu, and asked him about the local attractions. Legionnaire Couscous offered to drive them to the Grand Bara desert in his Peugeot P4 to witness the annual migration of Le Grand Oiseau de Foo, a sight not to be missed. After a couple of Bieres du Demon, Ensign Tweed, Master Chief Bones and Seaman Sailor piled into the P4 with Legionnaire Couscous and drove into the desert. On the way out to the Grand Bara, Couscous told them to stay undercover once they encountered the flock of Foo, for the Foo droppings were extremely noxious, and were known to cause immediate and severe discomfort if you tried to remove them before they dried. Ensign Tweed, riding in the back of the P4 with Master Chief Bones, smirked and said "pshaw." After a couple of hours of driving through rugged terrain, they arrived at the Grande Oasis de Verdure in the heart of the Grand Bara and stopped 100 meters from the edge of a giant flock of Grand Foos. Ensign Tweed having only an instamatic camera with no zoom, and ignoring the desperate warning cries of Legionnaire Couscous, jumped from the jeep, ran right up to the flock, and started clicking away. Needless to say, the flock took wing, and as they flew over, dropped their malodorous load right on the ensign's head. Covered in smelly merde d'oiseaux from tete a pied, Ensign Tweed once again ignored the Legionnaire's advice, and jumped into the oasis' small pond to wash it off. As he staggered from the pond, the toxins from the poop started to course through his body. By the time he had rejoined his shipmates at the jeep, the hapless ensign was leaking from all his orifices. They wrapped him in a tarp and sat him in the cargo bed and sped off back to Djibouti to take him to the military clinic at the Legionnaire's base, where Foo serum was available. As the jeep bounced away from the oasis and the great flock of Foos, Master Chief Bones yelled at the miserable Ensign:
"Dammit Sir, didn't you hear Couscous' instructions?...If the Foo shits, wear it!"


(This story is based on nautical lore.)