Badass Tales: Ego A Me Ipso Mihi Rem

The USS Billy Badass* was a highly modified and experimental one-off variant of the USS Oliver Hazard Perry (FFG-7) Class. It's official hull number was FFG(X)-1999, but its hull was painted with the number 13, which officially belonged to the USS Samuel Elliot Morrison** (FFG-13). In outward appearance, the USS Billy Badass appears as a standard, short hull, FFG-7 class ship. It was  445 feet in length overall, it's beam was 45 feet and it displaced 4200 tons at full load. Standard versions of the FFG-7 class had steel hulls and aluminium topsides, but the Badass was all steel. Although designated as a Guided Missile Frigate, the Badass carried no missiles. Also, it had a helicopter deck and twin helo hangars, but carried no helicopters. Weight savings were obtained from these omissions permitting the use of steel in the ship's topsides.

In lieu of a missile system, guns and chaff countermeasures, the Baddass carried the highly secret and experimental MK1999(X) High Energy Liquid Laser Fire Control System, otherwise known as HELLFire. HELLFire was composed of two liquid laser guns disguised as as a MK13 missile launcher and an OTO Melara 76MM cannon, a search and track and fire control radar and countermeasures system, that looked like an inverted disco ball, known as the Disco Ball.

The Ship's systems including navigation, fire control, communications and propulsion systems were all controlled by the highly secret and experimental UYK-1999(X) computer system, known by the crew as YUK. YUK was the U.S. Navy's first attempt at an intelligent system, a system that would take away much of the tedium of detection, decision making, control and execution from the crew. It was designed to be "sailor proof"***. Soon after commissioning, YUK acquired a "pugnacious personality" to match the ship's name, and the USS Billy Badass was known to make its way to whatever was the most current maritime hotspot. The ship's motto was "Ego A Me Ipso Mihi Rem", loosely translated as "I'm Making It My Business."

Propulsion and electrical power were provided by two Dynamic Electric ML-1999(X) Gas Turbines, capable of producing 31 Gigawatts of power, at the time the most powerful gas turbines produced. The turbines were designed by Dr. Emmett Brown at the Dynamic Electric BTTF Labs in Santa Clarita, California. The ship had a cruising range of 9,000 nautical miles at 30 knots and could attain speeds of 50 knots in battle override mode.

The ship carried a crew of 165, mostly engaged in cleaning, painting, security and ceremonial duties since YUK controlled most of all the other functions.

The USS Billy Badass disappeared under mysterious circumstances in 2000 during Hurricane Issac. All hands were lost except for Seaman "Simple" Sailor, who was miraculously rescued by a Cuban fisherman in the Florida Straights, and now lives in seclusion at an undisclosed location. Sailor has agreed to be interviewed by me for this series of articles about the USS Billy Badass.

*The USS Billy Badass' name was chosen by Captain John Bodine, the CO of the Nautical Systems Command Division of Ship Naming (Section 8), also know as NAUSEA OH-EIGHT. The CO was a graduate of the creative writing program at the USNA, specializing in postmodern literature. Mysteriously, he also disappeared at about the same time as the Badass.

**Samuel Elliot Morrison is not to be confused with, nor is related to Rear Admiral George Stephen Morrison, who was the commander of U.S. naval forces in the Gulf of Tonkin during the Gulf of Tonkin incident and the father of The Doors singer Jim Morisson.

***Regretably it was not designed to be chimpanzee proof, as can be evidenced in the events I related under my previous entry "Badass Tales: Sailor Proof".

Last known photo of the USS Billy Badass transiting the Florida Straights ahead of Hurricane Isaac.

(This story is solely the product of the author's mind. Do not confuse this fiction with fact or lore.)